Hey God, what's up

Hey so I started this whole new blog, for this whole new person I think I am becoming. It's called "seansgod.blogspot.com" Pretty simple. Well, the title is "Tell me All Your Thoughts on God". Anyways, if you can't figure it out already, I have become Christ. I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, but even more than that, I have dedicated my life to Christ, everything that is EVER mine, any of my actions, my thoughts, my stuff, they belong to God and Christ to tell me what to do with it.

That's a LOADED statement, believe me, I know. It involves a few pressuppositions. First one that comes to mind is that I think God has talked to me, is talking to me, and will talk to me in my life, as long as I continue to listen. My new blog will deal with that concept.

Another one is that I have to express what I mean when I say I believe Jesus Christ died for my sins on the Cross, some 2000- years ago. Fact? Fiction? Folk tale? Fable? Made-up story? My new blog will also discuss this.

Another is that I have express how being "Christian", or at least, following Jesus, is so distinctly different from any other religion. The idea of it being a story that we accept, which is sprinkled with instructions on how to live life, as opposed to instructions on how to live life, sprinkled with story illustrating those instructions. The new blog will try to go into this more.

Another is that I have to fully express my conviction that this world we live in, it is Broken, or wrong, or something's just not right! That will be delved into.

Another is that I have to find out how deeply self-defeating, selfish, and egotistical I was and am.

Another is that I have to explore the idea of sin, sinners, etc.

How did I deal with the idea that my faith now demands of me to hate Gays, look down on abortion, and take so many different stances definitively? (Hope you note the sarcasm)

What about the other religions of the world?

What have I to say to those who knew me when i was questioning broadly the veracity of Christian thought?

Conversion?
Evangelism?
Other world views being valid?
Mind shift?
Lensshift?Godandpainandheavenandhellandsolvingallofmyproblems?


I want to express all of this! I must. So I set forth, as God would have me do, and embark to make this clear in my new blog. Please join me. And question me. And press me. And challenge me. And make me feel horrible. And all that.


Love you. All.

Again to the WAY back machine

Just found this other day, actually today, in my desk, with all of my random stuff from High School. I think it goes well with that other one :-)

I can't deny that I'm afraid
Of what we may become
It's love like this for which I've prayed
And love like this we've won.

It's true we have the utmost fun
But some things I can't deny
Where do we end what we've begun
I hope not to make you cry

Ah but see I'm just a guy
like any other man
I do some things without knowing why.
Can you trust the boy I am?

Of this we'll see, I have no doubt
Mayhaps it's time for my demons out.

Pakka

I have a lot of things. On my mind that is. And for this summer.

Trek Director.

Painting

Getting back into School

Determining if I want to get back into school

Love

God?

Jesus?

Alternative?

I'm done for now

Only because People are chatting at me via the interwebs.

Yikes.

I'm sorely not outputting enough thoughts, or at least recording them, for my own therapeutic purposes.

You want that? I'll tell it to you.

Damn. Seth was right. I do tell people what I know they want to hear.

Out to the ever

About to head out to Boston with some friends, going to a bar.

Thoughts on that. I've always been a big "I don't drink" or "I don't drink much" person. Just that one word at the end changes everything about the sentiment and how people view you. From a person who didn't drink prior to college, to a person who has gotten drunk a handful of times (I can actually still count, thankfully), it's strange to have this inner conflict that I still feel, and it's only partially fueled by how outsiders see me.

I have a number of different friends, groups of friends, you know....

ahh more on this later, heading out. Peace!

the WAY back machine

Digging this one from WAY back. Senior year of high school. There's a whole notebook I found that is basically an old journal of mine. I'm likin' it. Here's a random undated entry.

It's hard work being all alone
When there's noone there to watch you comin' home
We're spendin' hours on the phone
When no ones on the other line

She calls she sleeps she's waiting
waiting for my call wanting me to come

But I forget she ever knew me
Where did I meet her, where does she come from

I know, this message will not shock you
but it's coming to you from the pen of a writer

gifted but without sight

I don't see, what it is about me
for people to cheer as they watch me fall
Because
It's just another girl; and i can't get the
problems from my mind. I make a first impression
that I'm all alone, and I'm not just another guy.

But I am, I so am, and you're looking at a scumbag
dressed up and flashy as a golden-hearted boy.

I brake and I break what I never can take, and that
is two hearts joined as one.

Noone ever mentioned to me that there's other ways to have fun.

Ugh that disgusts me, what I was just saying
but you see it's got me preying on hearts
that were never mine



Yup. This was me.

Questions

Are horror movies for those who have never had horror in their lives? And I don't mean "are they made for those people," but more "are they enjoyed by those people"?

Or do people who have horror in their lives enjoy that expression? Do those who write horror write from the horrors of experience, or the horrors of the mind?

Is there any way to rid the world of Horror?

I love you.

Tonight

Tonight my mental light is burning bright. I have thoughts that I have to unburden in order to go back to the responsibilities that I find myself facing, and the things I have committed myself to already. But I'm starting to realize my heart and where it lies, and somehow God or Jesus lies in there, despite my every intentions of thrusting Him or It out, and keeping them separate from the ME that lives inside of me.

Problem is, they aren't separate, nor am I separate from you, nor you separate from the Earth, nor the Earth separate from the moon or the stars or the Sun or the galaxy or the Universe. I suppose it's Uni for a reason; all are One. Under God. That's where we should be pledging our allegiance, to God and the Universe, to push love forever, and to BE love forever.

Yet we can't, because we're tied down by the mundane, the human created things that are imperfect, and will always be imperfect. I am myself tied down by myself, and my forever inquisitive ways. And my prideful ways.

I have a dream set before me, stronger than any I have felt before, except that at this moment they are split in two with only thin threads that bind them together, and something of this "whole picture" missing. I want to be a traveling prophet of sorts, not the one going around and prophesizing, but the one taking people on trips to discover themselves. I have the experience of doing that, allowing people to enter deeper into life, and this universal Love I speak of, that Jesus the historical and Biblical figure spoke of, that Ghandi and MLK spoke of, that the homeless man down the street from my home sometimes speaks of.

Jesus lived among the homeless. Still does, depending upon how you want to look at it, and where your level of understanding of the human language is at at this particular moment in time. that's another part of my dream, I want to chase Jesus the man and God into every nook and cranny of the Earth, trying to find him, and trying to share the wealth in the community that we human beings are undeniably evolved and made for.

I work, so far, every summer, for a Scout Camp in New Hampshire, and this summer I'll hopefully be the Trek Director, organizing and running Treks down the Pemmigewasset River and in the White Mountains. Hiking, Canoeing, maybe even Biking. That'd be what I love to do. I just thought about it, and imagined one night sitting around asking people how're they're doing, but asking deeper questions softly. I say softly, because these kids are no older than 17, and no younger than 13. I can't imagine thinking that deeply at such a young age, at least for an extended period of time. Actually, I can, but I don't know if I can engage all of the Scouts that would be on the trip.

And I think about it more, I would want to ask the questions: why are YOU in Scouting? What does Scouting do for you? What do you want to get out of life? what do you want to put back into life? Those questions, go from there. I'd love to hear everyone's stories, as they are doubtless all unique, and if they are not, they are not telling their story.

But would that be finding Jesus? These kids, they'd mostly all have privileged lives of sorts. I'd be sitting on the bank of a river in New Hampshire, being paid more money for even one week than a ton of people in the world make in a year, eating more food in one setting than 30% of the world would eat in three days, and thinking that I am serving a higher cause.

But would I actually be thinking that? And would my occupation (at that very moment in time, at least) be any less noble because it wasn't serving those people? How could I embrace and expose myself to the deep richness of poverty, but also the tantalizing fear that comes with embracing God fully? I don't think most people have embraced God fully, not most of the people I know.

That also makes me wonder. Is it any less holy or Christian or Loving to go back to that place from whence you came, and to live in a way similar to that which you had lived (in excess, in my case), if you have the intentions of coaxing others out of their molds of life? If we try to break down all that we are and recreate a world community of Love that would be Heaven on Earth? that each of us can attain at some point in our lives, without fully realizing it?

Kudos to you for having read this far, and I promise my thoughts will not stop here. They'll be pouring out from myself, and spreading to others as they think them, and share them with others, and a cavalcade will begin, only to find other sources of thoughts and Love and combine them into a flowing river, into an endless infinite stream that is God and Jesus and Love and PAIN and suffering and beauty and Grace.

To bring it all crashing back to the hilarious simplicity of human life, I sewed my button back into place today, stood up a few minutes later, looked down, and asked "why is my button unbuttoned??" truly puzzled. That's just how we work as humans, and that's all life is.

Because once we pass, the world keeps spinning, the people keep loving (or hating), and the "battle between heaven and hell" wages on. Oh hypocrisy.

~Sean

hahahahaha

My thoughts at this moment.

Ahhhhhhh


For once, they're too private to mention. Especially in such an unexplained setting.

Love you,

~Sean

Found this one on my computer

I do

I do… I give my life away and see it through

To the end,

The the very bitter end

With the words,

I whispered

On that day

And while I thought it would take a while, this feeling hasn’t left me since the day I stopped

I don’t know where to run with it, I don’t think running is the key

Left behind though, is noone for me, noone.

Though I say that in all intent to be seriously inclined to dine on the life of the others

And I don’t know what to say, to make it better

I wish I had the heart, the mind to ease the soul to seek the life to make the pain just drift away

Float away

on a sea of sound

On a sea of life and opportunity,

You would think I’d say drown here,

It rhymes with sound here

But in this case I want you to see, the difference

Between me

And the rest of the world

How to stand out, how to stay in, how to understand, how you got under my skin

Out of my sight, out of my mind, but inside forever you’ll burn

And nothing removes the shadow of doubt from your heart

And nothing removes the shadow of fear from my brain

I’m going to direct that smile, the special one, at someone else

To make you feel it? To make you squirm? To deny you the feelings you know I can give? Ah but there are others like me, one other, especially, so remember that. Remember, and smile to yourself.

For the Love of... just change already!

For the me most legitimate proof that we are not alone in reality is that we cannot shape other people to be who we want them to be, regardless of how hard we try. And it's not that we subconsciously have resisted that change, it's that there is another entity there-in that is resisting that change and trying to shine through.

So after a number of failed experiments in the field of Love... I'm coming to realize that i'm approaching it the wrong way.

I should change "experiment" to "experience."

Because I cannot create the change I want to see in others. I can only accept it.

More importantly, I believe that there is a point in trying to "help" others become stronger people where one has to just realize one can do more to affect change, and at that point, one has to walk away, shaking one's head and wishing things were different, and then praying to whichever power one believe's in to help that individual become stronger.

That's what I have to do, I suppose. And also realize that the effort I wanted to pour into them out of Love needs to be inwardly focused, so that I am the best person I can be.

And even then, I have to beseech a higher power to help me when I am too weak to help myself.

I think I got it all out.

~Sean