How open do I need to be?

I wonder how open people are with their blogs. Will they ever admit openly to masturbating? Or maybe they'll talk about other private things that people usually deem as "unseemly" or inappropriate to talk about. No matter, it was just a thought I had as I go to write this at 3:40AM, Saturday... well the date will be posted, so will the time, so nevermind on that as well. Bullocks. (don't honestly know exactly what bullocks means, but it seemed perfectly suited for the situation. Voila, it appeared.)

Reason to write this: Nothing.


But deep reflection (or perhaps surface level, that i pretend to think is deep?) does occur late at night in my mind, actually all the time in my mind, and I never express it. Or understand how. Basically, you're on my mind, and I want to express myself to you, I have wanted to in the past, there have been those intimate pauses where both you and I know exactly what's on my lips but won't let itself loose, and we both know the power of those words. If you don't understand what I am saying right about now, then this little paragraph is not for you. You'll get over it. I know.

I have been awake far longer than I had planned, but then again I never had planned to go to sleep at a specific time. It's just, when it comes to a point that I'm lying in bed (actually my futon) and I have the TV on, and am flipping between Discovery Channel, History Channel, Military Channel, SportsCenter, and HBO late-night (which is very often medium-core porn, which I usually watch snippets of for my amusement [typically non-sexual] due to bad acting...), then I know I have stayed up beyond a specific purpose. I am wasting sleeping hours, gaining some facts that are mostly useless, like how things are made, or some different interpretations of the Bible (okay this one would be useful, if I had been watching the program from the beginning, however I never do, therefore I never understand where they are at, so I quickly switch channels).

That's when it's too long. But tonight was a little bit different, because I started reading from Rumi's book of love (which isn't the exact title, please don't try searching for that exactly... if you want to know, ask, and I'll tell) that my friend, Lauren, gave me to read. I have to admit, I haven't done much pleasure reading since coming to college, which is really surprising to me, since I thought I would always have my nose in a book. But maybe I have woken up a little and, with the newfound freedom that college-life affords us, i've tried living a little bit in my own life instead of through the lives that I read about.

Still, reading for pleasure is perhaps one of my favorite pasttimes, and I never have tried reading poetry before. So, this is a first for me, and also a bit surprising, since I get the feeling I will be reading through the book a few different times, taking notes, quoting here and there, maybe finding inspiration to write a song or two, some lines reflecting Rumi's poetry.

My favorite line so far that I've read isn't actually from Rumi, it's from the guy who translated him (he's an Islamic poet from the 13th century AD [has to be AD, cuz of Islam, but hey, it looks more impressive that way] or maybe i'll say CE because the people who don't want to use Anno Domini as the label for years decided that was more appropriate... although i think I have that wrong, maybe there is supposed to be another initial, I don't recall. not important, once again.)

That line: "Rumi's poetry wants to dissolve the lovers. Annihilation is the point." Cool. Poems about love, dissolving lovers. I'll probably understand that more as I read through the poetry. But I like it so far. Love isn't story-book. It's not Disney. It's unique.

Favorite thought that I've had so far reading the first bits?

"Every love between two persons is unique."

This comes from this passage, I think, also not from Rumi but his translator... "Still, we do love in many different ways. Let me count them. There are as many ways of loving as there are people, and that wildflower variety is the great beauty of this dimension of existence."

So that's my main thought for the night, and it is a comforting one to myself. It makes me feel alright about some thoughts I've had about love, that I can love many different people at once, and I can think about my past experiences with love and say "you know what, it's alright that that felt a little different than this time... it should feel that way. Love as you know how."

Don't know where that last part came from. I just wanted to add something bolded to this blog entry and make it "quotable". heh heh... not a great job eh?

Anyways, I digress (as always, you know that, i mean, you made it this far didn't you?).

I want closure. I know how to get it. I don't think it'll be allowed to me, unless I demand it, "it" being the certain one-on-one situation. And the one-on-one situation will not be the comfortable caring one that I want, but rather stressed and awkward. So I'll probably end up writing the closure and delivering it that way. Love is a fantastically awkward thing. So much for storybook endings and fairytale living. Rumi's onto something. You and I will both see. (that last you was a universal one, just fyi)

Okay I have written far more than enough. I am going to close this one out by... uh well, i was going to say "saying a little prayer," but that doesn't make too much sense in the larger scheme of things, but it's what came to mind. Especially since most people (including myself) consider prayer, if it's individualized, to be a private thing, unless the setting is correct. Maybe I lie. So here goes a try.

God; would you ever want to get in the way of love?

I'll be waiting for His answer.

Ciao for now (hate that line, but I'm obsessed with it),

~Sean E. Cummings... yeah...