Hubris

Hubris, excessive pride. I'm afraid of it, yet I am not the most modest person. I have a hard time juggling these ideas within myself.

I'm telling you a little bit about myself just because I'm trying to figure it out, and it's more for me anyways.

So I have the hardest time accepting compliments or things that are "good" about myself. People compliment me probably just as much as they compliment others, and I often act in ways that seek compliments, but whenever I get them, I have no idea how to accept them. A lot of it is because I don't want to seem cocky, but just as large a part is that I often don't completely agree with whatever the person is saying.

For example, people compliment me on my voice, saying that they like how I sing, etc. etc. That's hard praise to look at the person and say "Thanks!". Mostly because I feel like I know, personally, that my voice isn't really that good. It's above average, with the "average" being the person that can't really sing but will sing along with a song they know. So in the broad spectrum, that puts me at proficient. What good does that do me? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like my voice too sometimes, but there are others who I would love to listen to over myself. With all that in mind, how can I look at someone and say "thanks!" without amending it and saying "Thanks, but it's not really the best!" or something along those lines. Whenever I do that, I always feel like I am horrible at taking compliments, and that I am fishing for more.

That's the same with looks, with performance in things, with anything really. Actually, now that I think about it, there are a few things that I am perfectly comfortable saying, "thanks, I love it" about... any sport that I feel like I'm good in, and can back up my competitive word in (such as Frisbee), or with some things academically. Maybe there are a few other examples, but I can't pinpoint them at the moment. I'm not sure why that is...

But the reason I'm talking about this is because I often find that I can't be happy with myself or a lot of my relationships with people, or my performance in anything and everything. In a way, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy: I see myself as lazy sometimes, forgetful, immodest, procrastinating... and I find myself acting out those attributes. I rarely sit there and say "I am very pleased with myself today." The last time I remember doing that, I was building something up at Camp, and once I completed it, it looked great.

Or, with meeting my floor for the first time... I thought it went well, and less on my part, but more on the part of all my guys. (I friggin' love them, btw)

Back to me (this is my blog, afterall... pish-posh, I actually will probably write about a few different people on occasion): I know that I am very hard on myself, moreso than may be deserved, but since I know I scrutinize myself immensely, i often feel justified when I take pride in myself or confidence in certain things. That's where I come off as cocky or confident, where I feel I know what I'm talking about or am doing things up to my own personal par.

I love life sometimes. Like now.

Sometimes I also wonder if I'm bi-polar, like my younger brother. Other times I get afraid that I may have cancer that hasn't been detected yet. There's no legitimate basis for that (the fear of cancer), but I sometimes wish I could just have a scan of my whole body just to be positive.

Jumping around to more random thoughts: I haven't written a new song that I liked in a long while. Any idea why that might be?

Can I get some food over here please? I know it's 4:20 in the morning, but I'm hungry!

Okay this has quickly deteriorated into something I no longer can follow, and probably neither can you (whoever "you" may be).

So I'll leave without saying goodbye.

Truthfully,

S. Matthews

PS- What the alphabet would look like without "Q" or "R.